Day 1/2

Yesterday I started seriously looking for a job. I could not do it before because I was so afraid of getting too many rejections and feeling inadequate. I think I have a good reason for not having much confidence in myself. Sometimes it's not true that I don't have confidence in myself, because sometimes I have a lot of confidence. It is complicated...

I have a learning disability and I find it hard to keep myself motivated, especially when I have to do something I am not interested in. So looking for a job is one of many things I am not interested in, even though programming is my true love. I could write code for hours when I am in a mode (often happens when it is a competition, a job or something that is very needed). So I really want to find a job as a developer, so that I have a good reason to write code as much as I want. (I should mention that I have a family and children, so if it is not a job, I should not spend too much time just building random stuff, you know).

So here I am. I am really unmotivated to look for a job, but desperately need a position as a developer. My brain is screaming to disappear as I cannot stand here any longer.

I started looking for a job last year when I was in bootcamp, but I couldn't keep it up and decided to focus on my studies. Then I came back to Japan and have been freelancing as a developer for a Japanese start-up, so I have been busy and almost forgot to start looking for a job myself. My husband is very generous and he has been helping me with this job hunt and has been sending out applications on my behalf for a month now. But I just could not do it, as I think many ADHD people might feel the same way.

But I have realised that I should do it, and since yesterday I have started sending applications myself .... But I have already received one rejection and no reply yet. It is so demotivating. So this morning I had the idea to write a note about this job hunt. Would I never find a job, or could I find one in a year? two years? or soon? What should I do if I do not find a job? I will learn Swedish and maybe go to university or something. I could work in a restaurant or a café because I used to be a pastry chef. I could also work on a farm because I love gardening. Or I could do anything that is available to me as I am a quick learner and enjoy it, but I could get bored very easily if it is not my thing. So I should go to .... Or should I see a doctor about my learning disability to feel a bit better? .... I don't know anything at the moment, but I'll try my best.